Am I trying to hard with this whole situation? I can’t force seeing her again is what I feel it’s come to. Is it time to just let it die?
I had another dream about you last night. It was different, It wasn’t just you showing up in it, or you being in it and something bad happening. It was simply just us spending time with each other again. You were in my arms, I was making you laugh by telling my stupid jokes like I do, everything was comfortable, but there was one major thing. I saw your smile again. Your real, genuine smile. The one that I’d seen so many times before when I was with you. The one where even though there’s so much shit going on in your life, it still showed how much love and warmth you had inside you for everything, and not just the smile I see in photos of you. The one that’s powerful enough to disarm a seven nation army. Before my dream, I thought I had comfortably come to terms with not being able to see that smile ever again and the extent of our relationship being a few texts over hundreds of miles every once in a while. But now after seeing it again, I want to think, I want to hope, I want to believethat there’s still something left for us.
I always feel like a dumb shit when I check out where some of the people I know go to school, like my 5 friends who go to Brown, or the 10 who go to Cornell, or the rest who go to like Penn and Fordham and Syracuse and all this shit and then there’s me here at Monmouth. I feel like I can’t be taken seriously unless I go somewhere like those. And I had good grades out of high school so it’s not like I couldn’t have gotten in those places had I put a little more time in. Just feeling stupid.
In transfer research I’ve found that University of Denver has what I want to study. If there’s some way that could happen, please good lord help me out with this one.